Review of the Resolutions

Okay folks, another year has passed. I do believe that last year at this time I wrote a list of resolutions for myself. It is time to review those goals and see how I did:

• Keep my room clean on a consistent basis. I would say this pretty much happened...eh. Kind of happened. There were some rough spots but overall my room stayed clean.
• Find a home for Henry. Didn't happen. He is still living in my aquarium.
• Pick up my camera more often. Definitely didn't happen.
• Not buy as much stuff. ...nope.
• See my Youtubers more often. Because of one illicit evening and the events that followed, I'm no longer really connected with the Youtube community.
• Not lose a chapstick for real. THIS HAPPENED! I still have the strawberry LipSmackers that I bought at the beginning of 2010.
• Dailybooth everyday. This also was a habit lost with the Youtube.
• Blog everyday. Obviously didn't happen.

I'm so tired of making goals and not keeping them. I'm so tired of trying to keep something up for myself and letting myself down. That's why there are no resolutions this year other than to make myself happy. This will take lots of searching, lots of losses, lots of failures, and most definitely a school transfer- but it will happen. Just you wait.

Friend.

I do not believe the word "friend" has any meaning any longer.

Think about how we use the word friend. We use it to indicate someone's picture on our Facebook profiles, and that's about it. Everywhere else, we call people "followers" and "subscribers"... why?

Because these people are not what we traditionally think of as friends. The New Oxford American Dictionary defines friend as "a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection".

Now, besides the youtube community, we do not know actually know many of the people we call friends on the internet. As much as we wish to know these people like friends, we don't. Therefore, we can't technically call these people "friends".

Now, the other and frankly more important aspect of the definition is "mutual affection".

The definition of follower: "an adherent or devotee of a particular person".
The definition of subscriber: "[a person who arranges] to receive something regularly, typically a publication".

These are one-sided actions. This is not a relationship. This is not a friendship.

Is it understandable, yet, why it pisses me off that people call their followers "friends"? You do not know them. You may have affection for them as a number that increases your subscriber count; that gets you to that coveted 100, or 20,000, or 5 million followers. But do you like them for the person that they are? Do you know every aspect of their character and still love them? Or do you love the idea of one more person carrying you to fame or importance?

6/21/10

On Monday while volunteering at the cat shelter, a cat scratched me. A 2 inch long gash across the inside of my wrist.

I fought a battle (and won, or at least achieved an armistice) with self harm that started my freshman year of high school. Long story short, it was rough but i'm better than I was.

So when an ex-self harmer gets a perfectly straight injury on their inner wrist, it's suspicious. I know from experience that "the cat scratched me" is the most used and most believed excuse for self harm. But what about when the cat DID scratch me? Do the scars on my arm justify your discrimination?

I was at a hospital and I simply asked for Neosporin for my wound. The nurse looked at it and outright said "no, we can't help you". She then walked away quickly without making eye contact or even saying sorry.

That broke my heart. That I can't be trusted about something as simple as a cat scratch, even though my issues are behind me and I've been cut-free for over six months. That the size and placement of a cut can be the difference between being treated with respect and being treated as a suicidal freak.

Friends, if someone you know deals with self harm, try and help them. But please, don't judge. It hurts them more than they let off.

PROMarama!

I hate prom. I hate how

it consumes every one of you,
it's all we talk about anymore,
it's ruining friendships,
it's complicating things,
it's forcing a bunch of people who don't necessarily get along into one party bus.

04-06-2010.

Pet Peeves: A list by Laura A. Korsgaard

• Singing a song when you do not know the lyrics.
• Making percussive claps/slaps/stomps/mouth noises.
• People who do not brush their teeth 2 times a day.
• People who only talk about one subject.
  
• Using ANY bad grammar.
• Combining proper capitalization and improper capitalization.
• Not ordering/organizing books on a bookshelf in any way.
  
• Repeating the same exclamation throughout an entire day, even when it is out of context (i.e. I'm SO glad Anthony is back on Project Runway!).
  
• Texting at dinner.
• Being rude to authority figures.
• Nail biting.
• Channel flipping.
  

hey guess what;

i applied for college yesterday.

I know i'll get in, but it's not where i want to go. I want to go to a school in SC but i can't cause it's too much money.

3-17-10 (happy st patty's day)

My antisocialism is emerging into new territory. The only people I've been spending time with are my parents which, don't get me wrong, isn't BAD, but it's also not GOOD. I recently wasn't invited to a birthday party for one of my good friends. It turns out it was a miscommunication, but it still doesn't feel good to know that people FORGET to invite you to things. Maybe the reason why I'm spending time with family is because I don't want to deal with the repercussions of being the odd duck, the black sheep in my group of friends; I don't want to have to worry about being forgotten.

Is it really because I wear a size 9, while they are all smaller than a 5? because that's the only thing I've found that makes me so different than them.

why boys are irrational, idiotic excuses for human beings.

hey look, I broke my titling system. oh well.

recently, I texted my old best friend/on and off fling of 5 years. We hadn't been talking, so I asked him why not. He told me "because we don't want the same thing". What is that thing that he wants, that I don't want (without a relationship)? sex.

what has this taught me? boys actually DO only want one thing.

what boys need to learn: girls want to feel loved, not just wanted. now, don't get me wrong; saying "i love you" is not an automatic pass into her pants. you can't just say that out of nowhere and expect her to fuck you. making her feel like you are interested in who she is and what she likes is important, even if you don't mean it.

the only girls who have sex without a relationship are sluts and actual prostitutes. Some guys just don't realize this. Telling a girl that you can't be friends because she won't fuck you is irrational and idiotic. End of story.

2-23-10

why did I start a new blog? I honestly cannot answer that question.

On another note, I think I need to up my dosage of Zoloft. I'm not rockin' like I used to anymore, and it scares me and disappoints me.

On another (happier) note, I got a tattoo exactly one week ago! It's a tiny music note behind my ear. Still healing but I love it with all my heart. I know that even if music is not something that will stick with me for the rest of my life, I will still have a physical reminder of how it used to mean everything to me.

2/7/2010

What an interesting weekend this has been.

Friday, I went to dinner with my family minus two sisters. It was wonderful.

Yesterday, I went to a birthday party for a friend with DMD (Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy). It was interesting/wonderful to see how people in wheelchairs/people who have trouble functioning can still have a good time just like normal kids. We played Pictionary and had a Super Smash Bros. tournament. Just like regular teenagers. It was nice.

Today, I'm lazing around and not watching the super bowl. Might go to an anti-super bowl party but i don't know yet.

2-2-10.

I have serious beef with people who flirt through @reply messages. Do they really think I want to read every single update in their relationship? If so, then they have serious issues.

Honestly, what is the issue people have with using cell phones? Is that "moving too fast" or something? I just don't get it. If you want to tell someone something as mundane as, say, what time you'll be waking up or what your favorite juice is, then please just text message them. And if you're thinking, "why would I do that? those things are too mundane to text about", then maybe you shouldn't TWEET about them either! Because only one person- if that- cares about what your favorite juice is or what time you're waking up, and surely you can communicate these things in a more private manner.

*/rant*

2-1-10.

my theory on high school:

begins okay for about 2 months to 1 semester. you think, "hey, this isn't so bad. this might even be a fun, enjoyable experience!".

Path 1: Continue this way on to graduation.

Path 2: Something catastrophic happens, whether to yourself, with friends or in regards to family issues. You will spend the next six semesters feeling self conscious and idiotic. Then during the eighth and final semester of high school (or when you turn eighteen, whichever comes first) you will realize you were just being a melodramatic teenager and that you really had no serious issues during the past three years. You will then get the mentality of "i'm almost done, who gives a shit" and begin wearing yoga pants on a frequent basis.

or maybe that's just me.

1-27-10.

Happy Wednesday!

This is the first week of my last semester of high school, and something amazing has happened to me. First, a little background info:

I lost my very best friend during the first few days of junior year because of a bad decision I made with alcohol. She and I haven't spoken a word in 18 months.

I also lost another friend because she was dating my ex-boyfriend and I couldn't handle it.

Now, this week, I realized I am in classes with both of them- in one case, this is the first class I have had with her in high school. Instead of shying away like I usually would, I think I am going to try to repair these friendships. I don't want to end high school with enemies, and this seems like the perfect chance to fix that.

Also, I have purple hair. :}

1-18-10

So I had the second coolest Motion City Soundtrack dream that I've ever had last night. Here's how it went down:

So amelia and I were wandering around the school/mall? and we discovered a huuggeeee group of people dancing and I was like HOLY SHIT THIS IS MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK, MY FAVORITE BAND IN THE WORLD. So I wormed my way up to the front and I knew all of the words to one of JP's songs that no one else knew the words to. So then he fell in love with me. and I told him "Thank you for the chips and salsa. and sour cream. and guacamole." WHILE I WAS SITTING ON HIS LAP.

I literally woke up with a smile.

Listening to the new album, My Dinosaur Life, right now. I'm beyond impressed so far. waiting for my new "Point of Extinction".

1/16/10

First off- I dislike today and everything it means for me as a person. Choosing not to go out with friends in fear of further deteriorating a friendship is not how I want to live, but it is how I am living. I'm going to try to be less afraid of the consequences from now on.

On a happier note,

I'm scouting for the artist I want to do my tattoo. It's not like it really matters, because I'm only getting a music note behind my ear. But I need to make sure the artist is particularly good at music notes because I don't want to end up with something like this, aka cheesy cartoony music notes. ick.

Also, planning a birthday party for me and Shannon, my bestie from Canada. We already have the hotel rooms! This is actually happening! WOO!

one dash thirteen dash ten.

oh hey, guess what?

I turned eighteen on sunday. It was anticlimactic. I mean, you live your entire kid-life thinking about the day you become an adult... and mine passed without notice. I got footie pajamas from my mom and I get to pick out a bike as a present from my dad. Someone's comment: "what are you, eight?"

Well, I don't care. I can wear adult-sized footie pajamas and ride a bike, because eighteen doesn't mean anything. besides, adults who are way older than me do these things as well.

This is the bike I want.

1-9-10.

Well, we have officially been in the new year for 9 days! How does it feel? For me it feels... the same :)

It's finally the weekend, which is bueno. I went to see Daybreakers with my step-sister and a friend last night. It was honest to god the most ridiculous movie I've ever seen. And also the goriest. It had the potential to be a really good movie. I mean, the plot was absolutely fascinating- harvesting humans? WHAAAT?! But the shoddy special effects and equally bad acting made for a film that we ended up laughing at the entire time.

Then we went to Jack in the Box and I had some mozzarella cheese sticks. They were very yummy.

January Fourth.

The word "fourth" has always sounded strange to me. Probably only because we have another word in the english language that sounds like it, and that is "forth". January forth?

Well, I'm lying in bed with the heating pad turned on high because my feetsies are freezing. But my fatso cat is hogging the heating pad so only my toes are really touching it. I need to SparkNotes Heart of Darkness tonight, so that I can half-ass the comprehension Qs. That book was honestly the most boring thing I have ever attempted to read.

I also miss my friends and I can't wait until the 29th of January when my Shannon is coming to town and I get to see her tattoo and we will go get mine :)

January Third.

Today was a strange day. Somehow, my mommy talked me into going to church with her this morning. HUGE MISTAKE on my part. Now all of the church people who have known me since I was a little child are like, "Oh! I am so glad you are back! We have all missed you and are very happy that you have rejoined the congregation!" (basically saying, "We are so glad you are no longer a rebellious little demon!").Well, I have news for all those crazy people. IT WAS A ONE TIME THING. I will never be so stupid as to go to church with my mother again. Then, as we're leaving church, she rolls down my window and says, "Hey look! There's Lindsey!"

Now, there is a story behind this Lindsey girl. When I first stopped going to church about two years ago, she called me every Saturday asking me to start attending again. She started off nice, just kind of asking if I wanted to go and what not. THEN she got angry. She said she would egg my house, she said she would kidnap me from my bed on Saturday nights so that I would go. I could never tell if she was joking or not... but eventually she left me alone.

So Lindsey is about two feet from my car and my window is rolled down and the car is stopped. so I have no choice but to say, "Hi, Lindsey". Her eyes totally LIGHT UP with glee... or fiendish excitement. I'm forced to talk to this crazy woman for about a minute (which is wayyy too long) before my mom finally drives away. Mom apologizes as we drive away: "I'm sorry, I didn't think that would be so awkward".

01-02-2010 (!)

Well.

I have already completely failed one of my goals: to booth every day. I'll just start today and hope that nobody notices :X

01-01-10.

I woke up this morning and was pleased with the resolutions I wrote last night. Then I had some french toast.

Resolutions.

• Keep my room clean on a consistent basis. I am an almost 18 year old girl. I should be able to tidy up my bedroom so it does not appear as though I have no floor.
• Find a home for Henry. Henry is my lovely Jack Dempsey Cichlid. He is a great fish, albeit a bit abusive to the ladies. I got him for my birthday one year ago, but he is just not compatible with my other fish. I need to find him a home, preferably without girlie fish.
• Pick up my camera more often. Okay, you know what I mean by "pick up". Not literally pick up, but USE my camera more often. I purchased this awesome DSLR in the past year, and I barely ever use it for my artsy stuff.
• Not buy as much stuff. I love buying STUFF. Not always for myself, but sometimes yes. I am resolving to not purchase anything I don't need or that I am merely replacing for looks rather than function (i.e., buying a new iPod when my old one works perfectly fine).
• See my Youtubers more often. It is appalling how little I see my friend Adam The Alien, even though he only lives in TACOMA. That is next door compared to many of the friends I encountered in 2009. For example, he said that I would see him before my birthday. But look- birthday is in 10 days! I still haven't seen Adam! So I am resolving to see more of my new friends in 2010.
• Not lose a chapstick for real. yes, I did not succeed in this goal for 2009. I lost a total of 3 chapsticks throughout the entire year. Very sad, indeed. So later today I will go to the store and buy myself a nice chapstick that I will keep for 365 days- unless it runs out.
• Dailybooth every day. I love the concept of Dailybooth, but I am not too good at the "daily" part of boothing.
• Blog every day. This one will be tougher than boothing every day. I am not saying that I want to blog every day to have a diary, or to have a record of what I do every day (although I'm sure both of those things will be covered throughout the year). I just believe that it is healthy to have an outlet for stress, sadness and even happiness that is not another person. Computers, unlike humans, do not get stressed out when you share your emotions with them. They are an unlimited outlet. Which is very cool and nice.

Starting Fresh in 2010.

Hello, 2010.

You are the year that my future begins. I become an adult during your time- in 10 days, actually. I'll also be graduating from high school and beginning college. I don't think you know this, but there is a lot of potential for you. I hope I am able to take advantage of the 365 days you are so graciously giving to me and make sure you are the best year I've ever had.

Love,

Laura

Hello, friends.

This is my new blog! My old one got tangled in memories and arguments, so it doesn't exist to the public anymore. Feel free to read (or not). I trust that we are all mature enough to not play games (i.e. make up fake people) this year? Good, I'm glad we have established this.

Love,

Laura